The miracle with added guilt ..

It seems whenever something brilliantly bewildering happens, something gut wrenchingly cruel happens.

See .. I’m a mum and 2 and I have 2 wombs .. yup crazy right?

When I was around 20 weeks pregnant with my 1st child (MASSIVE SHOCK+Birth control FAIL) I was having a check-up and the nurse in charge discovered I in fact had TWO Uterus… I was called in by a specialist from a different hospital to then go over where we would go from here. This scary sounding thing? is called ‘Uterus Didelphys’ I was told how i was now a 1 in 3000 statistic, i was told how I will not carry my unborn child to full term, I was told my womb may not stretch far enough to allow baby to grow fully .. you get the jist, A LOT of scary things were then such a massive part of my pregnancy. I felt I now had an added stress to keep this tiny human safe and inside for as long as possible. But this wasn’t my only stress …

See .. I am 1 of 3 sisters .. the youngest, although I am nearly 30. And I have watched how deliberating and downright cruel the world is .. I went on to have my baby boy at full term and went on to have a 2nd child who I also; defying the rule books by all the specialists, carried to full term. WHY have I been given TWO fully functioning wombs when my beautiful, amazing, naturally maternal sister has been given a sad one? One which longs to grow and carry a child, someone whose arms ache to feel the weight of their own child in their arms, a heart that’s so full of pure love and admiration for their yet to be born child.

The guilt, the heartbreak, the horror, the unknown, the questions, the reality is .. its just a massive overwhelming surge of horrific torture. Should I be happy? Should I update her on baby things? Should I ask her permission to send her photos? Does she even want to see photos? Would she be mad at me even asking these questions? I don’t know how to think or what to think she may think?? I can’t even start to comprehend how dreadful she must feel because I feel so worthless, like I have stolen her dreams .. the ones that have most undoubtedly turned to nightmares.

How can the world be so over giving and miraculous yet so cruelly tragic?

If I could give you the world my beautiful sister, I would hand it to you right now.