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Iv started a novel :D

Please feel free to leave feedback, but this is part of my 1st chapter. I have NEVER written a book before

She sat looking at herself in the mirror. Looking at every detail of herself. Torturing herself. Her long strawberry blonde curls straggling over her shoulders like wild seaweed washed up on a beach, her make up smudged across her face, her hands shaking, her heart racing. How did she get here? How has she allowed her life to play out like this? Will she ever find a way out?

Keeley was always a happy go lucky kind of girl, always bubbly and smiling and willing to help anyone. She was tall and slim with curves in all the right places, she had luscious long ginger hair which complimented her piercing blue eyes and natural peachy red lips. She came from such a loving family. Yet here she was. Here she was sitting in a room, on her own contemplating how she was going to turn her life around. As she brushed through her hair and attempted to fix her makeup, she forced a smile upon her face as HE entered the room.

Max …

Max was the reason her usually calm and peaceful mind had been thrown into turmoil. Max was the reason she needed an escape. Max was the reason she had to pretend daily she was content in this sheer horrifying life of emotional abuse.

Just 45 minutes before this complete and utter internal melt down, Keeley had forgotten Max was going to a friend’s house, she had forgotten to take cash out. She didn’t WANT to take cash out … she worked her fingers to the bone; as an administrator, for her money but never seemed to get to spend any of it. Anyway. This sent Max into a fit of rage, He scowled at Keeley .. this face she knew all too well, and she knew she was in for yet another personal, heart sheering and torturous attack. Her stomach knotted instantly like she was about to throw up, her eye fell instantly to the ground, her heart sunk because she knew she had screwed up yet again.

“You fucking psycho, You only done this so I didn’t go out! Your fucking crazy in the head do you know that? Do you know how stupid you look to everyone? Everyone laughs at how fucking mental you are!!”  Keeley’s heart started to race so hard she wasn’t quite sure how she was still conscious. She started the self-doubt. She started the over analysing. “were people really thinking this about me?” she didn’t dare greet Max with a reply. She sat silent. Looking at the floor. Tears streaking her face, dragger her dark eyeliner with it.

“look at the fucking state of you, you’re a fucking fat mess Kay!! Why do you do this every fucking time? Do you think I want to shout at you like this?? Why can’t you just fucking listen??” Screamed Max directly into her terrified face. She still sat silent.

Too scared to even make a sound. Her chest was so heavy trying to hold in her cries. She pushed her hands tighter beneath her legs so he couldn’t see her trembling. She knew if she showed any sign of weakness the torment would only double, if not triple. “stay calm, Breathe, don’t make a sound and he will go away” She told herself over and over while his warm disgusting cigarette breathe was still breathing into her face. He hissed at her for a reply, his spit spraying onto her face like a mist of sea spray. He grunted at her making her feel completely humiliated. His hand grasped her arm in an attempt to get her to fight back. Her body stiffened; she wasn’t quite sure how to react. “Don’t say a word, you are not strong enough for this, you are not mental stable enough to deal with anymore of his disturbing words” Thought Keeley silently to herself.

#DadAppreciationPost …

Can we just take a moment …

A moment to think how under appreciated dads can be …

Men are just handed a child, who they haven’t grown inside their wombs, who they havnt felt a true bond or connection with, who they havnt physically felt them kicking them every five minutes to remind them they are there.

Dads are forced into this crazy world of trying to build a bond with their children, and man that must be hard.. hell, sometimes it so hard they run away, as fast and they can and leave woman to raise the kids alone. Us woman fall pregnant .. gain some weird natural maternal instincts and start to grown our bond with our babies, they get to know our routines, our voices.. but men? Nope.

See my Mr D was sent away to work after we conceived Child1, he didnt return home until child1 was over a year old and boy that must have hit him hard.

I assume he internally struggled with this whole concept of being throwing into raising a child, of having to now be a “living at home” parent and keep a small child alive, safe and loved, to help when he was poorly, to help when he hurt himself.. the look on his face when something fucked up was soul destroying. He looked helpless.

My Mr D done it though, he is a true super hero to our boys, the bond is completely, well and truly unstoppable. He broke the barrier that alot of men struggle to, he did nappoe changes, he did night feeds, he does bed time stories, he does bath time, he hovers while I wash up dinner dishes.

Mr D has adapted so amazingly and I’m forever grateful for him being such an incredible role model for child1 and child2.

I just think dads need to be appreciated more…

Almost went erotic 👀👀 …

His hands glide my body
His breath on my skin,
I feel him pull me tighter
What a trance I’m in.

My mind starts to wander
My heart begins to race,
I feel his breath grow quicker
Hes now kissing my face.

I feel so overwhelmed
How does he do this to me?
I used to be so coy and shy
But with him I feel free!!

He took away all my darkness
Put my pieces back together,
I feel as if I’m walking on air
I feel as light as a feather.

Hes my safe haven
Hes my peace, my calm.
Hes the most incredible person
Hes holding me in his arm.

The Loneliness of a stay at home mom …

It comes in waves

Like rolling thunder,

My brain and me

I’m starting to wonder.

Will this loneliness

Forever haunt me,

Will my worries

Forever taunt me?

I don’t care for friends

They only spite me,

I’m pushing family away,

And making them fight me.

See this constant worry

See this constant thinking,

See this constant feeling

That I’m slowly sinking.

Will I just be,

Will I ever go back to being me?

Will I ever be content

With the life that was meant?

See I have a family

So true and pure,

The love between us

Should be my cure.

They make me smile

Make me burst with pride,

So these lonely feelings

I must hide.

The miracle with added guilt ..

It seems whenever something brilliantly bewildering happens, something gut wrenchingly cruel happens.

See .. I’m a mum and 2 and I have 2 wombs .. yup crazy right?

When I was around 20 weeks pregnant with my 1st child (MASSIVE SHOCK+Birth control FAIL) I was having a check-up and the nurse in charge discovered I in fact had TWO Uterus… I was called in by a specialist from a different hospital to then go over where we would go from here. This scary sounding thing? is called ‘Uterus Didelphys’ I was told how i was now a 1 in 3000 statistic, i was told how I will not carry my unborn child to full term, I was told my womb may not stretch far enough to allow baby to grow fully .. you get the jist, A LOT of scary things were then such a massive part of my pregnancy. I felt I now had an added stress to keep this tiny human safe and inside for as long as possible. But this wasn’t my only stress …

See .. I am 1 of 3 sisters .. the youngest, although I am nearly 30. And I have watched how deliberating and downright cruel the world is .. I went on to have my baby boy at full term and went on to have a 2nd child who I also; defying the rule books by all the specialists, carried to full term. WHY have I been given TWO fully functioning wombs when my beautiful, amazing, naturally maternal sister has been given a sad one? One which longs to grow and carry a child, someone whose arms ache to feel the weight of their own child in their arms, a heart that’s so full of pure love and admiration for their yet to be born child.

The guilt, the heartbreak, the horror, the unknown, the questions, the reality is .. its just a massive overwhelming surge of horrific torture. Should I be happy? Should I update her on baby things? Should I ask her permission to send her photos? Does she even want to see photos? Would she be mad at me even asking these questions? I don’t know how to think or what to think she may think?? I can’t even start to comprehend how dreadful she must feel because I feel so worthless, like I have stolen her dreams .. the ones that have most undoubtedly turned to nightmares.

How can the world be so over giving and miraculous yet so cruelly tragic?

If I could give you the world my beautiful sister, I would hand it to you right now.

Have a second child they said …

I feel betrayed .. Betrayed by the ‘mum society’. No one told me life would be like this after having a 2nd child!!!!

So they are both boys, and i absolutely adore every bone in their bodies BUT no one told me the 1st child leads you into a false presences of parenthood .. no one told me how undoubtedly lucky I was with my 1st .. No one warned me of 2nd child syndrome .. so here we go!

This is your; brief, warning!!!

Yes, hes cute, hes funny and hes terribly cheeky but OH MY GODDDD this lad, he is constantly on the go, he is constantly into things and he is ALWAYS finding ways to either humiliate me or make me question myself with some of the sentences that come out of my mouth .. i.e “GET THAT OUT YOUR BUTT CRACK!!” or “WHY ARE YOU PEEING IN THE SINK???” i could name more but they are shameful..

So there was this one day, me and the 2nd child were in a pharmacy .. just having a good ‘ol chat waiting to be served in a PACKED!!!!!! Que .. he turns around .. points to the vagina creams .. and proceeds to shout “MUM ISN’T THAT YOUR CREAM FROM IN THE BATHROOM”, to this every damn person turns around to see where the kid is pointing to and then slowly to my face which is almost resembling a volcano about to explode.

see .. 2nd kids .. they have 100% been on this world before .. they have walked and experienced this earth and they are sent back to those who have been fooled into thinking parenting is easy. ITS NOT. Its hard, the mom guilt grows daily, the feeling of wanting to cry intensifies .. you will loose your damn mind but you will also find this new love .. this kind of love you didn’t feel the 1st time around because well, you cant love two things the exact same. 2nd child love is like a whirlwind kinda love, its like loving things you thought you would usually hate, its him repeatedly shouting no in my ear while poking me in the eye and me just smiling and wanting to kiss his cute face.

So there you have it, 2nd child syndrome IS a thing, it WILL almost drive you too insanity but goodness me they worth it!!